That's the kind of mood I'm in, when my eyes get damper as Ash from Pokemon saves the day again. Isn't that terrible? But I feel really sentimental today. The strangest kind of mood. I'm holed up in my bedroom with carrots and Pokemon and some juice and chapstick. Strange combination.
This morning my boyfriend and I split up. It's neither heartbreak nor relief; just an acknowledgment of what had to be done, was done. I'll miss him. I already do, in fact. We clicked on a rarely achievable level. Time, insecurities and god knows what wore down our euphoria. Maybe we could have saved it, maybe not. I don't do well with relationships, though. All through, there's this burning desire to be out on my own. Maybe I don't want to date anyone else or even sleep with anyone right now, but just that freedom means so much.
Silly reason, isn't it? Part of me wants to fix it and go back, but I made that mistake already. If we did get back together, it wouldn't be sudden like that. I do too much out of impulse, and I think that any decisions need to made with a lot of thought. It's cruel to play with someone's emotions on whim. I'm not going to do anything, but continue life as before. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be! And I do have a lot to work through before I date anyone. I knew that all along but chose to ignore it - mistake.
I'm beating myself up a little. Can you tell? I hurt someone today, and I find that hard to live with. In fact, I've been hurting someone for several weeks. I think that's what really pushed me to end it, though, is the realization of how cruel my indecision has been. Better the breakup than to make him go through me pushing him away and pulling him back, all based on whimsy!
This is pretty personal for a blog post. I do feel it addresses an issue, though. I've always been one of those friends that, when any of my girls has a boyfriend who's been messing with her head, will jump on the DUMP HIS ASS train. It's strange to have been in a position where I was the one who was doing the dirty deeds. I certainly could have been kinder to my boyfriend. Not a fun realization, because I WASN'T kinder. Now I've been the abusive fuckhead. I suppose I'll have more empathy for them, now. (Though they still aren't allowed to date my friends!)
I just hope that we'll stay friends. Even if things are awkward for a while. I've never been with anyone who was so, well, decent about the breakup. I guess my taste in guys has improved. And it sure does show that I picked a winner. Hopefully I can keep hanging around that winner.
I'm sorry to hear about this misfortune. Everyone goes through tough times in life. It is sad that you ended it of such a single-minded perspective.
ReplyDeleteI am in a relationship, and although we do not lack independence nor happiness, we consider each other to be genuinely a part of one another. This does not mean that separation separation is impossible... but would be a ridiculous option from one of our individual perspectives, as it is unnecessarily selfish and shallow to end any romance born of one of our selfish reasonings.
It is for this reason that we have agreed only to split if it comes to an inevitable crossroad, and it becomes a mutual decision. As long as our lives are generally compatible, we will always find a way to make it work. An example of when it would NOT would be if I decided I wished to move to India for the rest of my life. I would NOT, by any means, expect her to wish to come with me. If she did.. so be it. However, I would respect if she did not wish to come.
The only time I could selfishly split with her would be if the ultimate fate of my life, for the better in my own opinion, seemed unattainable otherwise.
I do wish you well, however, and hope you feel better soon.
ReplyDelete-Yours, Matthew Huecroft.