That's the kind of mood I'm in, when my eyes get damper as Ash from Pokemon saves the day again. Isn't that terrible? But I feel really sentimental today. The strangest kind of mood. I'm holed up in my bedroom with carrots and Pokemon and some juice and chapstick. Strange combination.
This morning my boyfriend and I split up. It's neither heartbreak nor relief; just an acknowledgment of what had to be done, was done. I'll miss him. I already do, in fact. We clicked on a rarely achievable level. Time, insecurities and god knows what wore down our euphoria. Maybe we could have saved it, maybe not. I don't do well with relationships, though. All through, there's this burning desire to be out on my own. Maybe I don't want to date anyone else or even sleep with anyone right now, but just that freedom means so much.
Silly reason, isn't it? Part of me wants to fix it and go back, but I made that mistake already. If we did get back together, it wouldn't be sudden like that. I do too much out of impulse, and I think that any decisions need to made with a lot of thought. It's cruel to play with someone's emotions on whim. I'm not going to do anything, but continue life as before. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be! And I do have a lot to work through before I date anyone. I knew that all along but chose to ignore it - mistake.
I'm beating myself up a little. Can you tell? I hurt someone today, and I find that hard to live with. In fact, I've been hurting someone for several weeks. I think that's what really pushed me to end it, though, is the realization of how cruel my indecision has been. Better the breakup than to make him go through me pushing him away and pulling him back, all based on whimsy!
This is pretty personal for a blog post. I do feel it addresses an issue, though. I've always been one of those friends that, when any of my girls has a boyfriend who's been messing with her head, will jump on the DUMP HIS ASS train. It's strange to have been in a position where I was the one who was doing the dirty deeds. I certainly could have been kinder to my boyfriend. Not a fun realization, because I WASN'T kinder. Now I've been the abusive fuckhead. I suppose I'll have more empathy for them, now. (Though they still aren't allowed to date my friends!)
I just hope that we'll stay friends. Even if things are awkward for a while. I've never been with anyone who was so, well, decent about the breakup. I guess my taste in guys has improved. And it sure does show that I picked a winner. Hopefully I can keep hanging around that winner.