Thursday, February 24, 2011

what's up with being bi(sex)ual

Today was Anti-bullying Day. Y'know, the one where people wear pink and are supposedly nice to eachother. (Didn't quite work that way, but lots of people wore pink!) Anyways, at some point this morning my friends started talking about homosexuality.

What a controversial issue. Most of my friends aren't homophobic, of course; for a lot of us, that's something belonging to past generations. Today, we've grown used to our gay friends being around - and tolerance levels makes everyone a little more open.

In fact, its amazing how many people are just a little bit gay. Every where you look, there's experimentation. We're all open to the idea that it could be fun to kiss the same sex. More girls, I think, than guys, because lesbians are often a male fantasy and primarily straight girls see their willingness to experiment as a bonus to their sexual allure. But even the rare guy will admit to that little dream, that make out session, that willingness to try something different.

Why is everyone becoming less heterosexual? I think it's because we feel free to.

Bisexuality is nothing new. In ancient Greece, it was normal for men to have sex with their wives for procreation, and sex with other men for fun. After all, what is the harm? Sex with women lead to pregnancies - sex with men lead to nothing at all, except maybe an inability to sit for a while. Erm, bad joke. Excuse me...

Anyways, casual bum-sex died out, I'm guessing, with paganism. I'll have to double-check my facts. Good thing this is a blog, and it's okay for me to put theories out there.

Christianity has something against sex for pleasure. I'm not sure why, but naturally a religion that discourages casual sex (in fact, any sex outside of a lifelong bond) is going to discourage sexual activities that have no practical purpose! Well, except that sexual relations have been proven to improve relationship quality... but they didn't know about that back then, since most sex was a lot different than sex today.

If gay sex was a fad, it was in big time but went out big time, and it looks like it's creeping back. That's cool with me - I can't wait until the house parties where it's a pair of drunken boys in the corner making out, rather than girls! Anyways, I might add on to this at a later date, but right now I'm super tired.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

shoez on the brain

What's on my mind, while I should be writing deep, thought-provoking posts for you guys?


 Scuse me while I go drool on my keyboard. 

Monday, February 21, 2011

The Name of the Game

The "New Post" button is sometimes pretty scary. This blank page is so demanding!

I'm going to very carefully not write about what's going on in my life.

Sometimes I like to sit in my own head and describe raw emotions. I was thinking about anger on the bus home today. Some days those kids get to me. It's very empowering. I feel my best, I think, when I'm angry. I'm no little girl; I'm a Queen of Ice. I have fire, I have power, and there are no restraints. What could be more beautiful? Anger is red, dark red, and it's not soft in the least.

I like melancholy too. Not the same passion, of course, but it has it's own unique power. Maybe that's odd, but not much more odd than loving anger. Sadness is blue, and watery. Like blue watercolor paint after you've run out and all you have are the faded remains. There's a kind of calm that cannot be reached in any other way when one is sad, and it's enjoyable in it's own unique way when you use it as a tool for clear thoughts. I don't suggest thinking about whatever is making you feel that way, though.

And of course I love happiness. I would like to say it's my primary disposition; happiness is yellow, warm sunny yellow. There's nothing like the warmth of it! I would love to bask in it all day, but, like there are seasons in a year, there must be variation in feelings, too.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Cuddling a knife won't make it any less sharp.


It's a topic that tends to attract people.

I've got a boyfriend. Miracle of miracles, he's not an ex-boyfriend. One issue we have, though, is the fact that I'm not necessarily very affectionate. Which isn't to say I don't care - obviously I do, why else would I have a boyfriend? Maybe some girls see them like accessories to tote around, but I find cute handbags much less of a stress if all I want is something showy. But I view my relationship as a kind of friendship that goes to the next level. Maybe if it was an accessory I'd boast of it to the world in adooorable facebook statuses ("Going to sleep, school tomorrow! Love you babe") that incorporate affection into something unrelated, or want to cuddle in front of all of my friends.

It comes up in debates and discussions about relationships. I'm not a romantic. I won't sacrifice my life in the name of true love, or anything dramatic like that. Romeo and Juliet makes me scoff, and Snow White always seemed like a jerk for ditching those dwarves for a prince she'd just met. I don't ever plan to be swept off my feet - I'd much rather have a nice calm, supporting partnership. Romance is important, of course, but not the center of my life!

Note: see how it says "The Unromantic" in big white letters at the top of the page?

I'm sick of all of this stuff about how I should shape my life around my relationship, etc, etc. I'm seventeen! I haven't even graduated highschool yet! Obviously I'm selfish, I'm trying to start the foundations for the rest of my life. Everything that is happening right now is temporary. EVERYTHING! In fact, in a few years I'll be in Quebec, with not one of the people I know today around me.

Romance is the LAST thing on my mind. I love my boyfriend. I like my relationship. But I do think we have more important things to worry about than happily-ever-after. Can't we just focus on the NOW, and whether we like eachother and suit eachother in this moment, than whether our actions are going to lead to lifelong marital bliss?

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Tearing up in cute moments during cartoons.

That's the kind of mood I'm in, when my eyes get damper as Ash from Pokemon saves the day again. Isn't that terrible? But I feel really sentimental today. The strangest kind of mood. I'm holed up in my bedroom with carrots and Pokemon and some juice and chapstick. Strange combination.

This morning my boyfriend and I split up. It's neither heartbreak nor relief; just an acknowledgment of what had to be done, was done. I'll miss him. I already do, in fact. We clicked on a rarely achievable level. Time, insecurities and god knows what wore down our euphoria. Maybe we could have saved it, maybe not. I don't do well with relationships, though. All through, there's this burning desire to be out on my own. Maybe I don't want to date anyone else or even sleep with anyone right now, but just that freedom means so much.

Silly reason, isn't it? Part of me wants to fix it and go back, but I made that mistake already. If we did get back together, it wouldn't be sudden like that. I do too much out of impulse, and I think that any decisions need to made with a lot of thought. It's cruel to play with someone's emotions on whim. I'm not going to do anything, but continue life as before. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be! And I do have a lot to work through before I date anyone. I knew that all along but chose to ignore it - mistake.

I'm beating myself up a little. Can you tell? I hurt someone today, and I find that hard to live with. In fact, I've been hurting someone for several weeks. I think that's what really pushed me to end it, though, is the realization of how cruel my indecision has been. Better the breakup than to make him go through me pushing him away and pulling him back, all based on whimsy!

This is pretty personal for a blog post. I do feel it addresses an issue, though. I've always been one of those friends that, when any of my girls has a boyfriend who's been messing with her head, will jump on the DUMP HIS ASS train. It's strange to have been in a position where I was the one who was doing the dirty deeds. I certainly could have been kinder to my boyfriend. Not a fun realization, because I WASN'T kinder. Now I've been the abusive fuckhead. I suppose I'll have more empathy for them, now. (Though they still aren't allowed to date my friends!)

I just hope that we'll stay friends. Even if things are awkward for a while. I've never been with anyone who was so, well, decent about the breakup. I guess my taste in guys has improved. And it sure does show that I picked a winner. Hopefully I can keep hanging around that winner.