So... the winter depression hits. I hate cold. I can't stand it; I'm one of those people who are perfectly comfortable on a blazing hot day, but come late Novemer I don't leave the house without at least two pairs of pants. I tend to be a little seasonal in that miserable weather makes me, well, miserable.
This morning started like most winter mornings, which is to say I got up and hated the world. That sounds a little harsh. I woke up and hated the fact that the world is COLD! I'm a morning person but not when even taking off the blankets is painful. And then the bus ride to school - too cold to be social, so I wrap up and try to sleep. I find that warmth has a loooot to do with my mood.
Yesterday was okay. I persuaded my lovely boyfriend (who lives conveniently close to the school) that it would be a good day to hang out at his place (where I could bundle up in blankets, huddle for warmth, and fall asleep!) Today I'm not so lucky. He's off getting his N and even if he was here, we would attend class anyways.
So anyways... my point. I'm generally a pretty happy, but this cold gets me so down. Generally, I deal with my seasonal moodiness pretty well. I'm not fond of sharing my problems (except on this blog, which everyone in the world can read?) and I can usually take care of myself.
But then... I got a boyfriend. I think boyfriends are like hack codes for when you're sad. Instead of the hours of consuming chocolate, candy, fantasy books, starchy foods and World of Warcraft while I hide from society... I told him I felt down because of the cold, and he cheered me up. Seriously, it took less than five minutes. I felt kind of like I was cheating the system.
And that's my question for today, kids. IS it cheating? I didn't have to think about my emotions or have my cry or really any of the usual process. Does accepting this kind of comfort going to cause me to have a dependence on it? Or should I only really worry about that if he starts solving ALL my problems for me - I mean, there isn't really any way to deal with seasonal depression, except maybe a trip to Hawaii. So I'm probably just worrying about a non-existent issue.
Don't get me wrong, I quite like having a nice cuddly boyfriend to cheer me up. I think what worries me is the loss of independence. I like being able to take care of myself. I think the hard part, in any kind of relationship, friends or lovers or even family - the hard part is finding the line between too much dependence and too much independence. Having a social life is incredibly important, even if its just one or two friends and family members you see. No one can take on the world all by themselves. The other end of the spectrum is making someone your everything - not being able to do anything without them!
I felt kind of silly today because I was down and wanted to have my instant-pick-me-upper around, but on the other hand, I would have been down if I hadn't been missing him, anyways. Probably, I'm thinking, I don't have to worry about having too much dependence as much as I have to worry about not being able to give up independence. Here's to learning how to open up - and finding that fine line between not enough and too much.
"IS it cheating? I didn't have to think about my emotions or have my cry or really any of the usual process. Does accepting this kind of comfort going to cause me to have a dependence on it?"
ReplyDeleteYou worry too much about this sort of thing, I've realized from this post, as well as your most recent post. A perfect relationship is born of becoming dependent on one another, whilst maintaining independence in other ways. It is not a relationship if there is no dependence.
This, however, does not mean you NEED the person. Once again, you miss the rainbow, and mix your blacks and whites.
Love becomes blatantly insecure if dependence is not included. Forcing complete independence while still being in a relationship is not a relationship. It's simply friends with benefits on a deeper level. Being in a relationship MEANS being in a state of dependence, not convenience. This is why it is NOT a cheat code.
This doesn't mean becoming clingy, but it does mean showing abnormal amounts of affection, and wanting them around at least 50-60% of the time. I, personally, prefer my girlfriend be around 70-80% of the time... but 50% is the bare minimum for a healthy relationship. One of you is inevitably going to feel deprived and unwanted if the other wants 90% of their time to themselves.
A relationship is, in its purest and most beautiful form, becoming a direct part of the other person, as well as them becoming a direct part of you. This entails dependence, yet within it, independence. It's a sort of dependence in which you lose nothing that you had prior, save for maybe the ability to be with other lovers.
However, only the weak-minded allow themselves to become so dependent that, in the event the relationship ended, it would shatter forever there sense of self. At the worst, a completely healthy relationship that did not work out should leave both individuals miserable for a month at most. Although they may miss the person from time to time, it is only of person who was broken prior to the relationship whose sense of self and self-worth are shattered by its end.
-Matt Huecroft.