Sunday, December 5, 2010

"A healthy relationship means being able to walk out of it at any point. If you can't live without someone, you have a problem."

That title is a quote from an incredible woman - my mother, Myst DeVana.

It doesn't mean you shouldn't care about the person you're in the relationship with. It might hurt to walk away, but you have to have that ability. You have to have faith, that you'll be able to carry on without them, that you can depend on yourself. For example, my current boyfriend - no, I wouldn't want to end that relationship. It's wonderful. But, if I had to, I would. And I would survive the process, because I am strong in myself and I know that I could go on.

I think the worst way to begin any relationship is to need it. Love does not come to the needy. Love comes to those who have found love in themselves, and are ready to share it with others. If there is anything I believe, it's this: you cannot love anyone else if you don't love yourself.

Here I am, in one of the greatest relationships I've ever had. It's completely different than what I'm used to; it's romantic, my decisions are respected, I have freedom, there is not only mutual respect but we click on an intellectual level. It's a far cry from the shallow, sex-based relationships of my peers. I actually know who it is I'm kissing - not only his name, but his personality, his interests, his opinions.

So what's different, this time around? None of the other romantic relationships I've been in were like this. The difference was that I wasn't looking for just any relationship. I was content with my single lifestyle, but just happened to stumble into a person I clicked with really well. There wasn't any rush, there was no desperation. We were both happy to be friends, and pleasantly surprised when things went to the next level.

Funny, how the best things come when you aren't looking for them. A watched pot never boils, and relationships are harder to find when you're really looking.

My advice, to all you ladies and gentlemen who desperately want to meet that perfect match?

Forget it.

Spend some time pampering yourself. Hang out with your friends. Get new hobbies. Learn to love yourself. Soon enough, someone will come along - someone better than you ever dreamed of. Someone who will love your individuality, who will want to hold your hand every second of every day and kiss you in front of their friends.

Nothing is more sexy then self-confidence. If you believe you're hot, then dayum, you're smokin'. If you believe you're a catch, then someone is going to be convinced. If you believe you can do anything, well, there isn't much you can't do. Life is only as good as you think it is. There are people in terrible situations who wake up every morning with a smile on their face, and people who cry themselves to sleep in luxurious beds in mansions, surrounded by people who care about them. It's all a matter of a perspective.

Think about that really ugly girl you know who always has a boyfriend. You know one - everyone knows one. How do they do it? Obviously, they believe in themselves. They believe in their ability to catch whatever boy they chose - and it happens.

Maybe it's arrogant, to believe you can do whatever you want, have whoever you want. My opinion? Oh-fucking-well. I am arrogant. I am arrogant and I have a huge ego. And I do whatever I want, I get whatever I want, whoever I want. I still have to work for it, of course, but the end result is that my life is pretty much perfect.

Don't mind all this bragging. I mean it as encouragement - here's my secret to success, please become successful. The only thing better than being happy is sharing happiness with others.


  1. A constant theme that appears to pop-up in a lot of your posts is your relationship. Whether it is the same one or not for all of them, I wouldn't know. You give the impression that it is, indeed, the same person, so I will write with such an assumption in my head.

    "A healthy relationship means being able to walk out of it at any point. If you can't live without someone, you have a problem."
    I disagree with the first sentence entirely. That is the definition of an UNHEALTHY relationship... having the need to know you can walk out at any time. If you truly love someone, as I said before, you become dependent on them in certain ways, which are natural and healthy, as well as vital to the relationships overall well-being. Just because you become dependent on someone, doesn't mean you need them. That's like saying someone who becomes dependent on cars to get them places, needs that car. They may think they need it, but they really don't. It's simply a luxury one would much rather have in their life.

    Having the ability to walk out of a relationship at anytime is a silly one to have. This does not mean you do NOT have this ability, but if you truly love the relationship you are (or were) in, you shouldn't want it by any means. Wanting to have that ability in your back-pocket for a bad day is simply going to cause it to become your first, and not your very last resort. I'm sure your boyfriend (or ex-boyfriend) would agree that he would rather you didn't constantly have your finger on that trigger, as it must've scared him. It would give you all the power in the relationship, like you were loving him whilst holding a gun to his head (in less of a dramatic sense). If he's anything like me, he would not WANT to have his finger on that trigger in return. I know I would certainly not want such a resort in my pocket. It's the kind of resort I would keep locked in the hardest safe to crack, only to be blown open if circumstances were so terrible that it need be opened, or was simply opened on it's own due to no other possible alternative.

    The second sentence, however, I agree with quite thoroughly. You do indeed have a problem if you cannot live without someone. I could live without my current girlfriend of 2 years, whom I'm deeply in love with... but why would I want too? For one, it would include incredible loss if I wished to live without her, and for two, like Jack Johnson said, life really IS "better when we're together."

    I would think about all of this before even looking to have your finger on such a volatile trigger. If you want a happy, trust-filled, mutual, and beautifully progressing and prosperous relationship, look no further than to put your gun down.

    -Matt Huecroft

  2. There is an important reason behind sticking to what you have said before. One, people will find you unreliable and untrustworthy if they spot many hypocrisys in who you are.
    In one of your previous posts, you said: "I believe that ego is healthy, arrogance is not." In this post, you seem to be proud of the fact that you have a flaw you, yourself, previously thought of with disdain.
    "Maybe it's arrogant, to believe you can do whatever you want, have whoever you want. My opinion? Oh-fucking-well. I am arrogant. I am arrogant and I have a huge ego. And I do whatever I want, I get whatever I want, whoever I want. I still have to work for it, of course, but the end result is that my life is pretty much perfect."
    The idea that you can do whatever you want is an illusion, and frankly, if you believe all this with suchg arrogant crudeness, I think it may be part of what led you and your relationship down such a one-sided path towards what YOU wanted. I wonder if you eve considered what your boyfriend wanted in the long-run, as opposed to simply the occasional immediate gratification of a small favor to him?

    No relationship of yours will ever work if you are so arrogant and selfish in your aims in life. That is why you, as a couple, should become a collective being, in a sense... but like I said... maintain independence in other ways. You should not be so inwardly focused. You will incur the wrath of both others, as well as yourself, in the end. Fate, too, will turn on you as well if you search for a selfish obtaining of happiness. This does not mean giving up your dreams, nor shaping your life entirely around your beloved (or, ex-beloved). If you truly love, or loved him, you would make sacrifices unquestioningly and without fear. Big, fundamental sacrifices. Just because you become dependent in one sense, does not mean you need the person... nor does in mean you lose your indenependence. Unless he has made no sacrifices for you, you, too, should make sacrifices for him, and leave your selfish perspective on life behind you. It will get you nowhere, aside from the occasional instant gratification that will level out in general unhappiness in the end. Happiness lies in reflecting the world into you by helping it, seeing it, and using it. Do not use the world, or any person, unless you are willing to let the world, or any person, use you. That is the definition of selfish to do otherwise, and taking without allowing things to be taken from you in inherently wrong, and will lead nowhere in the end.

    -Matt Huecroft.

  3. Well, in the first post - you've missed the point! I agree, there's nothing wrong with depending on someone. In fact, it's a normal part of any relationship, romantic or not. Needing someone - "my life would suck without you" is not healthy at all! I do hope my boyfriend is equally independent - I wouldn't want anyone to need me, either. This is no gun, no threat - merely an assurance of survival if things should go wrong.

    As for your second comment, well, you caught me red-handed. I did contradict myself.

    I do, however, tend to view the world in a bit of a dog-eat-dog perspective. I'm happy to support my boyfriend, but HE is in charge of making sure his needs are met. If I'm not considering him enough, HE has to tell me. I'm not his babysitter, I'm his friend. I'll make sacrifices, but he has to ask for them first. I would expect no more in return.

    My point about arrogance was mostly due to being fed up with a lot of girls and boys, who cry and moan about their lack of fortune, and fail to realize that they are in their own way. Confidence is key - and people are attracted to it. Being sad about your lack of a boyfriend won't get you one, but ironically, being happy about being single will get you many.