That title is a quote from an incredible woman - my mother, Myst DeVana.
It doesn't mean you shouldn't care about the person you're in the relationship with. It might hurt to walk away, but you have to have that ability. You have to have faith, that you'll be able to carry on without them, that you can depend on yourself. For example, my current boyfriend - no, I wouldn't want to end that relationship. It's wonderful. But, if I had to, I would. And I would survive the process, because I am strong in myself and I know that I could go on.
I think the worst way to begin any relationship is to need it. Love does not come to the needy. Love comes to those who have found love in themselves, and are ready to share it with others. If there is anything I believe, it's this: you cannot love anyone else if you don't love yourself.
Here I am, in one of the greatest relationships I've ever had. It's completely different than what I'm used to; it's romantic, my decisions are respected, I have freedom, there is not only mutual respect but we click on an intellectual level. It's a far cry from the shallow, sex-based relationships of my peers. I actually know who it is I'm kissing - not only his name, but his personality, his interests, his opinions.
So what's different, this time around? None of the other romantic relationships I've been in were like this. The difference was that I wasn't looking for just any relationship. I was content with my single lifestyle, but just happened to stumble into a person I clicked with really well. There wasn't any rush, there was no desperation. We were both happy to be friends, and pleasantly surprised when things went to the next level.
Funny, how the best things come when you aren't looking for them. A watched pot never boils, and relationships are harder to find when you're really looking.
My advice, to all you ladies and gentlemen who desperately want to meet that perfect match?
Forget it.
Spend some time pampering yourself. Hang out with your friends. Get new hobbies. Learn to love yourself. Soon enough, someone will come along - someone better than you ever dreamed of. Someone who will love your individuality, who will want to hold your hand every second of every day and kiss you in front of their friends.
Nothing is more sexy then self-confidence. If you believe you're hot, then dayum, you're smokin'. If you believe you're a catch, then someone is going to be convinced. If you believe you can do anything, well, there isn't much you can't do. Life is only as good as you think it is. There are people in terrible situations who wake up every morning with a smile on their face, and people who cry themselves to sleep in luxurious beds in mansions, surrounded by people who care about them. It's all a matter of a perspective.
Think about that really ugly girl you know who always has a boyfriend. You know one - everyone knows one. How do they do it? Obviously, they believe in themselves. They believe in their ability to catch whatever boy they chose - and it happens.
Maybe it's arrogant, to believe you can do whatever you want, have whoever you want. My opinion? Oh-fucking-well. I am arrogant. I am arrogant and I have a huge ego. And I do whatever I want, I get whatever I want, whoever I want. I still have to work for it, of course, but the end result is that my life is pretty much perfect.
Don't mind all this bragging. I mean it as encouragement - here's my secret to success, please become successful. The only thing better than being happy is sharing happiness with others.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Fantasy of Control
Defying the system seems to be on my mind lately. Defiance requires a free will, so that's what today's post is about.
What is free will?
"[Free will is] the power of making free choices unconstrained by external agencies." That's what Google tells me.
So, do we have free will? The Bible says yes. Most people agree.
We do not.
The idea of doing whatever we want is incomprehensible. It's unthinkable. From the very beginning, we form societies, systems. Systems with rules. Morals. Ideals. We promote ideas like the "right" thing to do, tie ourselves to ideas for the "good of society". Willingly, eagerly, we give up our individuality, our right to be different, our free will - for the good of the common people. In the name of what is right. Decency. Propriety.
Can you imagine walking down the street naked on a warm summer day? There's nothing wrong with the notion, but we shudder away from it. It's not immoral, or hurtful; in fact, it would probably be enjoyable. However, we have given up our ability to do this, because some person at some point in the past decided it was wrong. It was made to be part of the system.
"Free will" does not exist. It's impossible; we naturally create rules around ourselves. We tether ourselves to things like good manners, reliability - even if no one else tells us to, we wrap the chains around ourselves and lock them shut with our own hands.
Free will is a fantasy we trick ourselves into believing, in the hopes that we will not catch on to the farce that our systems really are. Fortunately, we never truly will - as I finish writing this post, I'm not going to run around naked. I'm not going to talk back to my mother. I'm not going to do anything wild or extreme.
However, with the knowledge of freedom at my disposal,
well, who knows what the future will bring? Every rule you've ever believed in is entirely self-imposed - and therefore non-existent. I would not suggest committing murder, because some rules are made for reasons, after all - but next summer when it's hot and your t-shirt is getting sweaty, remember this post.
What is free will?
"[Free will is] the power of making free choices unconstrained by external agencies." That's what Google tells me.
So, do we have free will? The Bible says yes. Most people agree.
We do not.
The idea of doing whatever we want is incomprehensible. It's unthinkable. From the very beginning, we form societies, systems. Systems with rules. Morals. Ideals. We promote ideas like the "right" thing to do, tie ourselves to ideas for the "good of society". Willingly, eagerly, we give up our individuality, our right to be different, our free will - for the good of the common people. In the name of what is right. Decency. Propriety.
Can you imagine walking down the street naked on a warm summer day? There's nothing wrong with the notion, but we shudder away from it. It's not immoral, or hurtful; in fact, it would probably be enjoyable. However, we have given up our ability to do this, because some person at some point in the past decided it was wrong. It was made to be part of the system.
"Free will" does not exist. It's impossible; we naturally create rules around ourselves. We tether ourselves to things like good manners, reliability - even if no one else tells us to, we wrap the chains around ourselves and lock them shut with our own hands.
Free will is a fantasy we trick ourselves into believing, in the hopes that we will not catch on to the farce that our systems really are. Fortunately, we never truly will - as I finish writing this post, I'm not going to run around naked. I'm not going to talk back to my mother. I'm not going to do anything wild or extreme.
However, with the knowledge of freedom at my disposal,
well, who knows what the future will bring? Every rule you've ever believed in is entirely self-imposed - and therefore non-existent. I would not suggest committing murder, because some rules are made for reasons, after all - but next summer when it's hot and your t-shirt is getting sweaty, remember this post.
I Politely Reject Your System
This is a Friendly Revolution.
And Aunt Rowan wants YOU! to help. Here's an idea; write a polite paragraph about what it is about the system you dislike, print it out, and put it up around the school. Would it catch on? I have no idea. I think it would be cool to try, though. A quiet rebellion, because no one listens to words that are shouted.
I resent your rules and your constrictions. I feel I am adult enough to be responsible for my own actions. I do not want to bring a note home to be signed, like I am some child; if I miss a class, I do it out of my own free will, for my own reasons. I accept responsibility for my own education; to take advantage of the benefits provided towards my education, or to not do so. I want the right to miss a class when I need to miss a class. I want the right to suffer the consequences of my choices. I politely reject your system.
I disagree with your social classifications and your stereotypes. I want to be free to be friends with whoever I want, no matter how they dress or act. I want to be accepted for who I am, not my hobbies or my clothing choices. I don't care if you play video games in your basement all day, or if you party every night. Maybe you do both. It doesn't matter. The only people I want to exclude are the ones who are exclusive. The only ones I'll judge are the ones who are judgmental. I politely reject your system.
I refuse to believe in your workaholic ideals. I will not waste my time working towards future happiness, when I can be happy now; I will not waste my childhood. I will not stress myself over grades - I will not work myself to death, so I can get into school and work some more. I will not buy into this cycle of endless misery. I will enjoy every second of my life, and I will not do anything I am not passionate about. I will not take classes I hate so I can get into some fancy school. I will work as hard as any, but only in was that make me happy. I politely reject your system.
Anyways... maybe I'll forget about it in a few hours when I have to wake up for school. Maybe you'll see these written around the school. Who knows?
And Aunt Rowan wants YOU! to help. Here's an idea; write a polite paragraph about what it is about the system you dislike, print it out, and put it up around the school. Would it catch on? I have no idea. I think it would be cool to try, though. A quiet rebellion, because no one listens to words that are shouted.
I resent your rules and your constrictions. I feel I am adult enough to be responsible for my own actions. I do not want to bring a note home to be signed, like I am some child; if I miss a class, I do it out of my own free will, for my own reasons. I accept responsibility for my own education; to take advantage of the benefits provided towards my education, or to not do so. I want the right to miss a class when I need to miss a class. I want the right to suffer the consequences of my choices. I politely reject your system.
I disagree with your social classifications and your stereotypes. I want to be free to be friends with whoever I want, no matter how they dress or act. I want to be accepted for who I am, not my hobbies or my clothing choices. I don't care if you play video games in your basement all day, or if you party every night. Maybe you do both. It doesn't matter. The only people I want to exclude are the ones who are exclusive. The only ones I'll judge are the ones who are judgmental. I politely reject your system.
I refuse to believe in your workaholic ideals. I will not waste my time working towards future happiness, when I can be happy now; I will not waste my childhood. I will not stress myself over grades - I will not work myself to death, so I can get into school and work some more. I will not buy into this cycle of endless misery. I will enjoy every second of my life, and I will not do anything I am not passionate about. I will not take classes I hate so I can get into some fancy school. I will work as hard as any, but only in was that make me happy. I politely reject your system.
Anyways... maybe I'll forget about it in a few hours when I have to wake up for school. Maybe you'll see these written around the school. Who knows?
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
the most important lessons I learn are the ones I stumble across while skipping class
There's one particular quality that makes things happen, makes "the world go around." It's necessary in any kind of interaction. What is it? Not love, I'm afraid.
Respect. Nothing is as soothing to the soul as a healthy dose of respect. It doesn't matter what form it comes in, or who it comes from.
And since respect is so incredibly crucial to our self-esteem and happiness, there's not much worse than failing to receive it.
And THAT is my issue with the education system.
I don't mind showing up to class. I don't mind doing tedious essays or ridiculous activities for my online class (come on, do I really need to fill out an online dating application? I have no reason to online date.. and even if I did, I'm part of a tech-savvy generation. I know better than to put my address on a dating form.)
What I do mind is the way none of my teachers consider me responsible for my own actions. So what, I missed your class three times last week? My loss - not your problem. I'm the one who decided not to go, so why do I need a note from my mother?
It's disrespectful. It's condescending. I am not a child. I may not be the most mature person in the world, but I am mature enough to make my own decisions about what I do with my time. Generally, I choose that I want to go to my classes and learn stuff. Sometimes, I choose not to.
Math and science and English are important, but there is no real reason to keep us in class for six hours a day, five days a week, ten months a year, for twelve years. There's only so much you can teach a group of bored, rebellious kids during those six hours, and pretty much everything after the fourth hour doesn't even process, no matter how hard we try.
In my opinion? School is just a snazzy kind of daycare. Don't know what to do with your child? Ship 'em off to sit in a desk for six hours - convieniently out of the way, and there's even a chance of them learning a thing or two.
And, well, if I was a parent, that would make sense to me. I wouldn't want my child to sit at home when they could be learning social skills and basic math. On the other hand, there's also a time when they won't need their daycare center any more. An age where they have made their goals and want to follow them; an age where they become responsible for the decision to suceed or not to suceed.
I think as we get into these last few years, Grade 12 and even Grade 11, we've reached that point. If we learn, it's because we want to learn - and if we don't want to, we'll probably just stare out the window all day or talk to our friends. And there are kids like me, who have no real interest in classes. Some days we do, but mostly we just want to GET IT OVER WITH.
So why do I have to bring a note if I skip class one Monday? I didn't want to learn anyways, and all I would do would be to distract other people in the classroom. I've made a decision about my goals, and I know it's my responsibility, if I suceed or if I fail. At this point, the system is no long beneficial, just a tether. I'm resentful of the way I am being treated, of the lack of responsibilities given to me by my teachers.
I am not a child, so why am I still being treated like one? I am learning to take responsibility and be an adult - so is it not destructive to my progress to deny me the ability to be an adult? My mother does not care if I miss a class, so why does the school have to call her up, interrupt her day, so she can lie and say she knew about my activities on Monday?
How is this in any way preparing me for the future? No matter how good my grades are, college won't do anything if I'm not able to be responsible for going to class. I am not going to be coddled by condescending teachers and worried parents in the real world.
I refuse to buy into this system. I refuse to believe life is about academics. I will be successful at my own rate, in my own time, by my own rules. And I will be entirely responsible for my success.
Respect. Nothing is as soothing to the soul as a healthy dose of respect. It doesn't matter what form it comes in, or who it comes from.
And since respect is so incredibly crucial to our self-esteem and happiness, there's not much worse than failing to receive it.
And THAT is my issue with the education system.
I don't mind showing up to class. I don't mind doing tedious essays or ridiculous activities for my online class (come on, do I really need to fill out an online dating application? I have no reason to online date.. and even if I did, I'm part of a tech-savvy generation. I know better than to put my address on a dating form.)
What I do mind is the way none of my teachers consider me responsible for my own actions. So what, I missed your class three times last week? My loss - not your problem. I'm the one who decided not to go, so why do I need a note from my mother?
It's disrespectful. It's condescending. I am not a child. I may not be the most mature person in the world, but I am mature enough to make my own decisions about what I do with my time. Generally, I choose that I want to go to my classes and learn stuff. Sometimes, I choose not to.
Math and science and English are important, but there is no real reason to keep us in class for six hours a day, five days a week, ten months a year, for twelve years. There's only so much you can teach a group of bored, rebellious kids during those six hours, and pretty much everything after the fourth hour doesn't even process, no matter how hard we try.
In my opinion? School is just a snazzy kind of daycare. Don't know what to do with your child? Ship 'em off to sit in a desk for six hours - convieniently out of the way, and there's even a chance of them learning a thing or two.
And, well, if I was a parent, that would make sense to me. I wouldn't want my child to sit at home when they could be learning social skills and basic math. On the other hand, there's also a time when they won't need their daycare center any more. An age where they have made their goals and want to follow them; an age where they become responsible for the decision to suceed or not to suceed.
I think as we get into these last few years, Grade 12 and even Grade 11, we've reached that point. If we learn, it's because we want to learn - and if we don't want to, we'll probably just stare out the window all day or talk to our friends. And there are kids like me, who have no real interest in classes. Some days we do, but mostly we just want to GET IT OVER WITH.
So why do I have to bring a note if I skip class one Monday? I didn't want to learn anyways, and all I would do would be to distract other people in the classroom. I've made a decision about my goals, and I know it's my responsibility, if I suceed or if I fail. At this point, the system is no long beneficial, just a tether. I'm resentful of the way I am being treated, of the lack of responsibilities given to me by my teachers.
I am not a child, so why am I still being treated like one? I am learning to take responsibility and be an adult - so is it not destructive to my progress to deny me the ability to be an adult? My mother does not care if I miss a class, so why does the school have to call her up, interrupt her day, so she can lie and say she knew about my activities on Monday?
How is this in any way preparing me for the future? No matter how good my grades are, college won't do anything if I'm not able to be responsible for going to class. I am not going to be coddled by condescending teachers and worried parents in the real world.
I refuse to buy into this system. I refuse to believe life is about academics. I will be successful at my own rate, in my own time, by my own rules. And I will be entirely responsible for my success.
Mourning A Love Lost
I'm a pretty happy kid. I have an amazing family, the greatest big brother that a girl could ask for. Pretty much the only worry I really have right now is heartbreak - I've been deserted by one of my closest friends, Sleep. I suppose our chances weren't that great; half my family are insomniacs.
Still, I was hoping to be an exception - especially since my beloved insomniacs are also both manic depressives. And both have less than wonderful pasts. My childhood has more or less been sunshine and rainbows, and I'm pretty much always really happy.
So why doesn't sleep want to hang out with me any more? I have no idea. I'm not prone to anxiety or stress. My life is extremely happy and pretty much carefree. I've been a morning person for most of my life; in fact, just a year ago 9pm was my preferred, self-imposed bedtime. Now it's 1:07 in the morning and I don't even feel tired.
Oh, and did I mention that I wake up at 6:30 every morning? I do believe I will be napping in class tomorrow...
My mother suggested sleeping pills. I'm pretty tempted, but they go against one of my most fervent beliefs; my disgust at how over-prescribed our society is. Growing up with people who suffer from depression symptoms (and having several very close friends with mental/emotional disorders), I've had a front row seat on viewing the effects of many of the "anti-depression" type drugs. My verdict? They're bullshit, useless, toxic, destructive. A solution prescribed by a society that cares more about making money than solving the problem.
I'll write a post about my hatred for anti-depressants another day. Back to sleeping pills and that dilemma. I think, even more so than my bias against prescription pills, my difficulty with the idea of getting sleeping pills is that it requires admitting I have a problem.
Now, I know I just admitted all over the internet by writing this blog post, but that doesn't mean anything. A kid who can't sleep? No big deal. A kid with a prescription for drugs to help her sleep? That's different. Uniqueness for the win, but this is one scenario where I do not want to be different.
Incidentally, smoking weed as a sleeping aid is just as bad. Healthier, probably, but still a dependence on an outside source for what should be a basic ability.
Seriously, why do people even have sleeping disorders? Sleep is required to live. A condition where sleep is inaccessible is self-destructive. Same goes for eating disorders. We need food to survive, so why are girls teaching themselves to go for days without a bite? What a weird world we live in.
Well, I'm going to go stare at the ceiling for another hour or so. Goodnight, strange world!
Still, I was hoping to be an exception - especially since my beloved insomniacs are also both manic depressives. And both have less than wonderful pasts. My childhood has more or less been sunshine and rainbows, and I'm pretty much always really happy.
So why doesn't sleep want to hang out with me any more? I have no idea. I'm not prone to anxiety or stress. My life is extremely happy and pretty much carefree. I've been a morning person for most of my life; in fact, just a year ago 9pm was my preferred, self-imposed bedtime. Now it's 1:07 in the morning and I don't even feel tired.
Oh, and did I mention that I wake up at 6:30 every morning? I do believe I will be napping in class tomorrow...
My mother suggested sleeping pills. I'm pretty tempted, but they go against one of my most fervent beliefs; my disgust at how over-prescribed our society is. Growing up with people who suffer from depression symptoms (and having several very close friends with mental/emotional disorders), I've had a front row seat on viewing the effects of many of the "anti-depression" type drugs. My verdict? They're bullshit, useless, toxic, destructive. A solution prescribed by a society that cares more about making money than solving the problem.
I'll write a post about my hatred for anti-depressants another day. Back to sleeping pills and that dilemma. I think, even more so than my bias against prescription pills, my difficulty with the idea of getting sleeping pills is that it requires admitting I have a problem.
Now, I know I just admitted all over the internet by writing this blog post, but that doesn't mean anything. A kid who can't sleep? No big deal. A kid with a prescription for drugs to help her sleep? That's different. Uniqueness for the win, but this is one scenario where I do not want to be different.
Incidentally, smoking weed as a sleeping aid is just as bad. Healthier, probably, but still a dependence on an outside source for what should be a basic ability.
Seriously, why do people even have sleeping disorders? Sleep is required to live. A condition where sleep is inaccessible is self-destructive. Same goes for eating disorders. We need food to survive, so why are girls teaching themselves to go for days without a bite? What a weird world we live in.
Well, I'm going to go stare at the ceiling for another hour or so. Goodnight, strange world!
Saturday, November 27, 2010
I am a regular liar.
What's your definition of love?
My mother (an endless source of wisdom) once told me that it's not possible to fall out of love. And I believe her - when I think about the people I truly love, my brother, my parents - I know that no matter what they do, I'll always love them. No matter what.
What about romantic love?
It scares the shit out of me, that's what. I never know when those three words should come. Looking back on my past relationships, I've realized that I'm a huge liar. I didn't love any of those boys. Looking forward, I'm suddenly panicking; how am I supposed to know?
Realistically, true love takes a long time to develop. It relies heavily on things like mutual respect and trust. No matter how amazing they are, how you feel about them - how can you love someone you've only known for a few weeks? A few months? Sometimes it can take years to really figure out who a person is.
I think I need a transition word. Not "like", because that doesn't express much more than a general approval of a person. There are people in my life who I far more than like, but I don't know if I'm ready to say I love them.
Even some of my very best friends - what does that "love" mean? I tend to use it as a term meaning I care about them a lot. That's not too intimidating. I do, in a certain sense, love them.
So does that mean there are different levels of love? From the love I feel for my friends, to the love I feel for my brother? Maybe a scale of 1 to 10, with the girl who I care about a lot but is sometimes a dissapointment as a level 1 love, and my bro as level 10?
"Oh baby, I love you on a scale of 4 out of 10."
Hm... I don't see that going too well. So what am I supposed to say? I can't morally lie and tell someone I love them when I don't even really know what it means to romantically love someone. I'm not some stupid little kid who expects every new boy to be the one and only. One and only will come along, but I'm not going to know who he is on the first impression.
English language, you suck.
My mother (an endless source of wisdom) once told me that it's not possible to fall out of love. And I believe her - when I think about the people I truly love, my brother, my parents - I know that no matter what they do, I'll always love them. No matter what.
What about romantic love?
It scares the shit out of me, that's what. I never know when those three words should come. Looking back on my past relationships, I've realized that I'm a huge liar. I didn't love any of those boys. Looking forward, I'm suddenly panicking; how am I supposed to know?
Realistically, true love takes a long time to develop. It relies heavily on things like mutual respect and trust. No matter how amazing they are, how you feel about them - how can you love someone you've only known for a few weeks? A few months? Sometimes it can take years to really figure out who a person is.
I think I need a transition word. Not "like", because that doesn't express much more than a general approval of a person. There are people in my life who I far more than like, but I don't know if I'm ready to say I love them.
Even some of my very best friends - what does that "love" mean? I tend to use it as a term meaning I care about them a lot. That's not too intimidating. I do, in a certain sense, love them.
So does that mean there are different levels of love? From the love I feel for my friends, to the love I feel for my brother? Maybe a scale of 1 to 10, with the girl who I care about a lot but is sometimes a dissapointment as a level 1 love, and my bro as level 10?
"Oh baby, I love you on a scale of 4 out of 10."
Hm... I don't see that going too well. So what am I supposed to say? I can't morally lie and tell someone I love them when I don't even really know what it means to romantically love someone. I'm not some stupid little kid who expects every new boy to be the one and only. One and only will come along, but I'm not going to know who he is on the first impression.
English language, you suck.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
I believe in us.
I believe that most of what we accept are facts are actually opinions.
I believe that beauty is an unattainable concept.
I believe that diamonds are not forever, but true love is.
I believe that we are constantly being brainwashed, yet are too lazy and apathetic to resist.
I believe that the only lowest people are the ones who look down on others.
I believe that the world is perfect, but humanity is not.
I believe that we have the power to do anything.
I believe that you should only treat your girl like a princess if she treats you like a prince.
I believe that everything happens because of a reason, but not for a reason.
I believe that happiness is a conscious choice.
I believe that religion is beautiful but the people who control it are not.
I believe that you must love yourself before you can love others.
I believe that there is something wrong if the past was better than the present.
I believe that your vote counts.
I believe that the world is beautiful.
I believe that ego is healthy, arrogance is not.
I believe that there is never only one answer.
I believe that we can fix the world.
I believe that the most powerful talent is the ability to provoke thought.
I believe that beauty is an unattainable concept.
I believe that diamonds are not forever, but true love is.
I believe that we are constantly being brainwashed, yet are too lazy and apathetic to resist.
I believe that the only lowest people are the ones who look down on others.
I believe that the world is perfect, but humanity is not.
I believe that we have the power to do anything.
I believe that you should only treat your girl like a princess if she treats you like a prince.
I believe that everything happens because of a reason, but not for a reason.
I believe that happiness is a conscious choice.
I believe that religion is beautiful but the people who control it are not.
I believe that you must love yourself before you can love others.
I believe that there is something wrong if the past was better than the present.
I believe that your vote counts.
I believe that the world is beautiful.
I believe that ego is healthy, arrogance is not.
I believe that there is never only one answer.
I believe that we can fix the world.
I believe that the most powerful talent is the ability to provoke thought.
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